nobody home

 Oh. So I moved to Wisconsin instead. That happened.

I would really like to know how I found a job even more soul-sucking than my last one, though...

Sooooo by the way, internet, I quit my job and my last day is the 25th and I am leaving Kalamazoo at the end of this month and moving back to my dad's in preparation for moving to Chicago.

By which I primarily mean "sitting on my couch every night doing nothing because the idea of doing anything like packing or cleaning or working on my resume makes me start circling the drain on a panic attack" but I told my landlord I'd be out by the evening of the 28th so apparently this is actually, like, happening or something.

LIFE CHANGES: I AM TERRIBLE AT THEM.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I would just like it if any aspect of my life made sense or was easy. That's all, really. It's not that things are bad, even, it's just this weird mix of everything feeling very constant and routine and simultaneously completely up in the air and confusing. Off-balance.

I am waiting for the part where my job starts making sense or being easy, and it is just not getting there. And now they want me to go do other things, on the shop side, which I expressed confidence in my ability to handle back when I was interviewing, but now I'm so rattled with everything else that the idea of throwing something ELSE I only sort of know how to do onto my plate is somewhat terrifying. And I'd be able to handle all that crap more readily, but the non-work part of my life feels sort of in disarray too, and it's all a bit exhausting.

I guess I'm not necessarily unhappy, but at least one area of my life needs to become manageable and/or logical in the near future or I am maybe going to go insane. I don't even care what... but something. Ugh.

So I keep trying to take myself off the medication because I don't like the side effects. I'll do okay for a few days and then stupid things happen and I set my brain into a tailspin and just feel nothing but awful. It sucks and I'm tired of it. I just want things to be fixed.

Last night there was a fire at the maintenance shop for my work. Since I work in maintenance billing this is going to make my life SUCK. Also, the guy who provides me with paperwork and keeps track of everything is going out of town for 2 weeks starting next Wednesday and leaving his mildly incompetent underlings in charge, which means work will be sucking EVEN MORE. I'm sort of dreading the next few weeks. They're short weeks, too, which means I'll have less time to get more work done, and tighter deadlines and so forth. Bleh. Today consisted of a lot of being told things I'd done wrong. It's necessary so that I learn, and she wasn't nasty about it, but it's the sort of thing that just wears me down and makes me feel awful about myself after a while. I'm tired of being awful at this.

I'm getting sick, I think, and I'm exhausted even though parts of the reason were things that were fun (Bree visited, and we made linzertortes and it was great and all but squeezing it in between work and work kind of wore me out, especially with a 9-hour day today). This week has dragged on for-fucking-EVER, and I need to sleep for 15 hours and I need a hug and I need a new brain and I need a new throat, but instead I'm going to make some tea and try to ignore the upstairs neighbors being loud and try to get a little rest, I suppose.

This has been your Evening Whining. Carry on.

I have my own office.

With a door.

Holy shit.

I start tomorrow.

Job offer #4. Not seasonal.

Interview #2 for Real Job tomorrow but growing increasingly ambivalent towards it for many, many reasons. Overall, indecision, ARGHHHHHH. I am indecisioned out.

Okay, I did not think "too many interviews/job offers" was going to be a problem I'd have. I kind of feel like a jerk going to the ones tomorrow, though, since I'm sort of sold on the two that have already made offers. I guess I could ask for an unreasonable amount of money and see if I get it.

Went for a walk today. I love fall -- the weather, the clothes, the colors. Something about it feels right to me in a way other seasons don't. I managed to spend some time in my head without everything being awful, too, which was a nice change.

I cannot believe I didn't do this medication thing sooner. I have wasted so, so, so many of the last who knows how many years being miserable, and thinking it was something I could fix with enough willpower, and hating myself all the more when that didn't work.

And a lot of things are still wrong. I don't know where I'm going or how I'm going to get there or where I want to be or what I want to do. I have a whole lot of shit to figure out. But I feel more myself, more comfortable in my own skin, than I have in an exceptionally long time. And that's a feeling I didn't even know I was capable for any prolonged period of time anymore. So yeah.

blah blah waiting waiting blah

I just want things to fall into place, want something to do with my life, want to feel like a real person instead of someone sitting around rotting while they wait for their life to start. JOB. PLZ. SOON. Interviews have left me in limbo -- one went meh, one went very well, neither is telling me anything until next week -- and I know I should go apply more places instead of sitting back, but it's hard to make myself do when I know how pathetic my resume looks. Just makes me feel awful. I just want ONE of these to work out, even, so that even if I need to find a second job there is something more recent than a fucking year ago on my lame-ass resume.

And maybe then I can, like, meet people who actually want to hang out with me and have some kind of a social life again. That'd be cool. Because I am really, really not wired to go for weeks on end with no face-to-face human contact. Really.