(no subject)

la la I have an essay to write. existentialism kind of makes me feel like a terrible person. mostly, it makes me realise that I have NO idea who I am, at all. and that it's probably bad that I base my identity and confidence, to some extent, on my role in career terms. not that this summer I WAS a Family Video employee and nothing else, but having a job gave me purpose in my life and therefore to a large extent meaning. same with being master electrician now. all of it makes study abroad a little scary -- I realise that I am happiest as a person when I am employed, no matter what I'm doing. feeling knowledgable and valuable is all that I'm good at basing my self-worth on; it certainly isn't good at coming from within, and it's not a feeling I can get from school. this is why I'm fucking obnoxious and talk about work all the time, I think -- it's forming such a big part of my identity at any given point. which is a little depressing. but I don't think I mind, because only knowing who I am in the context of what I do is better than not knowing who I am, ever, at all. who I actually am is a mystery even to me.

tangents. yeah.

getting up a good head of steam, not planning on sleeping tonight. seeing as I have to be at Lighting Design in like 8 hours because I'm in two of the scenes. and I have a three-page paper on Heidegger to write. so basically no fucking way. it's cool. I'm not stressed, I've already resigned myself to it, so hey. and I've gotten A-'s on the last two papers, and Heidegger is fucking incomprehensible, so I'm not really that worried about my grade if I bomb this one a little.

I'm still Master Electrician next quarter, but I'm really going to miss having minions (i.e. the lighting design class). None of them have finished lab hours and shows are almost over, but I came up with something REALLY unpleasant for them to do for me to earn hours instead... mwahahaha.

all of my pants are full of salt, but I have no time to do laundry. the one thing I hate about my job is that it means I can never wear skirts on work days, otherwise I'd solve this problem that way. p.s., I meant go to work for an hour today and wound up putting in five hours... oops.

I am in a really weirdly calm mood for as much shit as I have to get done right now.

who knows.