(no subject)

Yessssss.

I thought my Photo 1 portfolio from last year had died a horrible death, since the prof said he'd bin anything left over the summer, and I didn't get it because I was busy moving both myself and Alyssa out, and Holly didn't get it for me like I asked. I'd been meaning to either email him (although I was putting it off because I felt like such an ass) or catch him after his class, but hadn't managed to. So today I leave my class, walk past the photo room and see that it's empty, walk out the door, and run smack into him, and he says "hey, I was just going to email you! I found your portfolio, it was blending in with mine in my office. It's pinned up on the bulletin board by my office if you want it."

so, uh, hey! problem solved! and I get my photos... I was really sad that they'd probably been thrown out.


...Okay now that I've used up my good luck for the day, time to call and find out that I didn't get that job.

3600

it's half funny and half ridiculous really, and all awful. her experience in aberdeen was nothing like mine, and so lee's SIP shouldn't have gotten to me like this. but ultimately it still boils down to a harsh reminder of the life i left thousands of miles away and that i can never, ever get back.

and i hate to sound like a victim but it's not the same for other people i know who went. similar, sure. the walking away. but the difference is that they had something to come back to here. on february 9th i walked away from the only place, the only group of people, where i have legitimately felt like part of the group. i have some friends in stevensville, yes, a few friends at k. but nothing with that close-knit sense of camaraderie that i had there, no group of which i am an indispensable part. kalamazoo doesn't help, watching all the circles that i could be moving in if there wasn't something socially defective about me, coming home and sitting here alone every night.

the wonderful irony in this is that given my credit situation and my addition of an English minor, i probably could've stayed the whole year. it would have meant putting off Directing for longer than the department likes, but it wouldn't have been insurmountable.

the only response anyone ever has to this is "oh you'll get to see them again someday!" but it won't be the same. certain people in a certain time and place have a certain dynamic. and i'm not saying that wouldn't have shifted eventually on its own -- but i feel like i aborted it, sent it to its death, by walking away.

and i'm not going to get over it, and it's not going to get better, it's not going to stop hiding under every corner of my life, waiting for moments when i'm vulnerable. not until i can find something similar here. given my track record, that will probably happen... oh, never. it most certainly will not happen as long as i am attending K.

i want to feel like i matter, i want to feel like i belong.

i want it back.

and it's impossible. gone.