(no subject)

my mother died last night.


because there are only so many times i can type this: it was a heart attack. she had severe acid reflux problems and she and my father took it for a bad case of that. two to three hours later my father awoke to her having intense breathing difficulty. he called 911 and attempted CPR, but she never woke up and by the time the paramedics arrived it was too late.


i don't know what the visitation/funeral arrangements are yet. my father is meeting with the funeral director right now and i am home answering the phone. she is being cremated, as per her request.


i.


i don't know. i don't know.


there's so big a hole i can't fathom it. i don't know.

(no subject)

it becomes less real the more people try to talk to me about it. now my entire family has descended and i don't want this. i want to deal with this in my own way. the enormity of it sinks in less the more i hear about it. i don't know. i want to try to function as normally as i can and no one is letting me.

(no subject)

i keep feeling like i'm going to throw up.

(no subject)

the more the story is told the less real it feels. i am plainly still in shock.

(no subject)

visitation: 5-8 PM Friday, Starks & Menchinger, St. Joseph
funeral: 11 AM Saturday, Pilgrim Congregational Church, St. Joseph
a reception with music and reflection will follow directly, at the Mendel Center.

tomorrow morning i have to help write an obituary.

if you are in the stevensville area and would like to pay your respects/support me, coming to either of the first two -- particularly the visitation -- would be much appreciated.

if you are in the kalamazoo area, our housewarming party is still on, because my mother would not want me to hole up because of this and what i need most right now is to be around people and be distracted. it's just saturday instead of friday now.

(no subject)

every 5 minutes i casually take note of something that i want to tell her next time i see her and then i realise i can't.