(no subject)

The last 21 years have fucked up our relationship to the point where I don't think I can be the daughter he wants me to be now, don't think I can have that relationship. He wants things to magically be different and they can't. He was saying how our relationship has always been very superficial (which is true) and how he knows he can't replace her, but he wants us to be closer... and I just laid there, and what I couldn't say because I'm too scared of him being mad at me or me hurting him is that I'm not comfortable telling him a lot of things. Too afraid he'll judge me, be mad at me, lecture me. But I can't tell him that those are my reasons without him enacting them. So I'm stuck.

I don't know. Being home is deteriorating now that it's just us and I'm not distracted.