(no subject)

being around my father this much is getting draining. he wants to talk about it, he wants to cry about it, and there's nothing I can do or say because A. it's not like I'm dealing with things like I should be anyway, and B. I can't cry around him, for a myriad of reasons, the main two being that I'm uncomfortable being emotionally open with him and that I don't want to make him cry more. There is nothing I can say or share without making things worse, but at the same time I feel like my silence is also starting to bother him. there's no way around or out of this, we're just stuck. i don't know what to do.

after 20+ hours in the car since Saturday we are now at least settled in somewhere for a few days, with a big enough hotel room that we have our own bedrooms, so hopefully that will help. i don't know. this is so exhausting and i don't know.

i feel like he wants to replace her for me but he can't, not in a million years, and no one can... all this is is a reminder of that.

additionally, on some level this vacation feels like cowardice. yes it's nice to be out here but i was gone last christmas too, being gone for christmas is familiar at this point... it's easier to feed the part of my brain that's still in some level of denial about the permanence of all this, even though i obviously recognize it on a rational level.

bleh. i don't know.