(no subject)
Apr. 9th, 2004 10:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
numberoneblindSo it occurs to me that I do a lot of pointless event-related babbling in here, and not too much thinking. Which bothers me. It makes me seem shallow, and really I don't think I am so much. I suppose I just do all my thinking in my head, or discuss things with people, but... it's been a few days, and things are collecting, and bleh. 10:26 on a Friday morning seems as good a time to rant as any.
Life is just... gah. I don't know. I've spent the last month and a half at least pretty thoroughly depressed, anyway. Which... it probably doesn't seem like. I'm pretty good at seeming happy. And I'm easily distracted. But I'll go and be social and get all happy and post here, and then within 15 minutes it's back to the same old SHIT. I'm just incapable of staying happy or something. I'm averaging at least one breakdown at day, or I was... this week is the exception, but this week I just feel dead. Numb. So the breakdown-ness isn't happening because I'm just too out of it.
A few friends of mine keep telling me I should get help or go on antidepressants or something, but... blah. I don't want that dependance, because once you're on them, you can't really go off... I don't want to be medicated for the rest of my life, I want to see if I can figure out how to be happy without such, first...
Anyway. Blah. It's my problem to solve, anyway, I just seem completely incapable of doing so. Failure is a terrible thing to be phobic of, bleh. Because to me, to try something and fail is worse than not trying at all. And so I don't WANT to try to change, because what if I don't? I'm a perfectionist as well, my expectations are too high, I'd never live up to my own goals and that would be failure on such a massive level that it's probably turn into a suicide excuse. Meh. No. As much as I want to die, so much of the time, I'm too much of a goddamn wuss to kill myself. And I think too much, I can't turn off that stupid fucking part of my brain that sits there going, "But what about your FUTURE?!" even though I see no reason for the future to suck any less than the present. So whatever.
And I'm lonely -- I'll fucking admit it. L-O-N-E-L-Y. Always on the outside looking in, always ignored. That's kind of my fault too, I guess. I'm fairly self-sufficient, I always have been. I don't *need* social interaction, I don't *need* other people around to live my life. And I think people pick up on that, and just assume I don't want to socialize. It's not the case, anyway. Just because I don't necessarily need social interaction doesn't mean I don't enjoy it. I like my space -- a lot -- but I also like being around people sometimes. And I think usually people are one way or the other moreso than I am, and so they don't know what to do with it... oh, I don't know. That, or I'm so fucking boring and stupid that no one WANTS to be around me.
Yeah. I don't know anymore. Eeevvverryyythinnggg is wrong and there's nothing I can do about it.
Life is just... gah. I don't know. I've spent the last month and a half at least pretty thoroughly depressed, anyway. Which... it probably doesn't seem like. I'm pretty good at seeming happy. And I'm easily distracted. But I'll go and be social and get all happy and post here, and then within 15 minutes it's back to the same old SHIT. I'm just incapable of staying happy or something. I'm averaging at least one breakdown at day, or I was... this week is the exception, but this week I just feel dead. Numb. So the breakdown-ness isn't happening because I'm just too out of it.
A few friends of mine keep telling me I should get help or go on antidepressants or something, but... blah. I don't want that dependance, because once you're on them, you can't really go off... I don't want to be medicated for the rest of my life, I want to see if I can figure out how to be happy without such, first...
Anyway. Blah. It's my problem to solve, anyway, I just seem completely incapable of doing so. Failure is a terrible thing to be phobic of, bleh. Because to me, to try something and fail is worse than not trying at all. And so I don't WANT to try to change, because what if I don't? I'm a perfectionist as well, my expectations are too high, I'd never live up to my own goals and that would be failure on such a massive level that it's probably turn into a suicide excuse. Meh. No. As much as I want to die, so much of the time, I'm too much of a goddamn wuss to kill myself. And I think too much, I can't turn off that stupid fucking part of my brain that sits there going, "But what about your FUTURE?!" even though I see no reason for the future to suck any less than the present. So whatever.
And I'm lonely -- I'll fucking admit it. L-O-N-E-L-Y. Always on the outside looking in, always ignored. That's kind of my fault too, I guess. I'm fairly self-sufficient, I always have been. I don't *need* social interaction, I don't *need* other people around to live my life. And I think people pick up on that, and just assume I don't want to socialize. It's not the case, anyway. Just because I don't necessarily need social interaction doesn't mean I don't enjoy it. I like my space -- a lot -- but I also like being around people sometimes. And I think usually people are one way or the other moreso than I am, and so they don't know what to do with it... oh, I don't know. That, or I'm so fucking boring and stupid that no one WANTS to be around me.
Yeah. I don't know anymore. Eeevvverryyythinnggg is wrong and there's nothing I can do about it.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-04-09 09:14 am (UTC)I know how you feel... I've been through it. But I took the option of drugs. And my mom kept telling me that I was improving with the drugs, but I never felt like I was. I was just always tired (MAJOR side effect of Anti-Depressants) and felt my life was slacking because of me being tired. I like, never wanted to do anything, because I was so tired. But I took them, and took them, and then told my mom I didn't want to take them anymore, so we did the whole slowly decreasing the amounts.... until I finished off one prescription and just stopped taking it. And you know what?
My life improved. Yeah, Improved without the "miracle" of drugs. If anything, the drugs helped me learn to control my emotions. And made me overtly tired, which has improved since I've been off of them. And, everyone tells you to get the drugs, but nobody realizes they cost a lot.
I don't really know what to tell you, except that I am here for you if you need me. Yep. But, I don't recommend the drugs. They may help some people, but they didn't help me.
And, the doctors will tell you that if you skip a day of drug-taking, you'll be fine, that it builds up in your system so a day doesn't effect you, but when I was on it, everytime I skipped a day, I felt like crap. I think it's a psychological thing, too. Those drugs. ...::think think:: Self-fulfilling Prophecy.
Blah. What do I know? I'm just some crazy teenager.
But I am here for you!
no subject
Date: 2004-04-09 03:19 pm (UTC)And I have a deep distrust of pharmeceuticals, bleh. They're what fucked me up to begin with... I was on this allergy stuff with pseudoephedrin in it from age 4 - 10, and it messed with my head. A lot. It made me really really oversensitive and emotional. So I had no friends in elementary school, basically, which made me not trust people so much. It also kind of left me really overreeact-y even though I've been off it for years, because those are pretty formative years and my brain just was trained to fuction at that level. I took it for one day again a few months ago, and it made me suicidal.
I don't know the point of that, but yeah. I don't trust a lot of medicines in general, so I want to stay away from the antidepressants... blah.
Drugs arent the only medication
Date: 2004-04-09 05:23 pm (UTC)*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2004-04-10 06:20 pm (UTC)im here for ya hun. im only a few houses away.
~amy