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numberoneblindSpending another night at home with el parentals, and it's really starting to fucking piss me off. I don't know. You know, it seems like I'm never actually really PART of anything. I know these random groups of people, who I'm kind of a part of, but not really. There'll be this core group who does pretty much everything together, and then there's me just kind of off to the side. Maybe if the main group is doing something more major they'll give me a call, but I'm apparently not interesting enough to include the rest of the time. Unless they need transportation, of course, in which case I'm the fuckin' go-to girl. Because for some reason only maybe 3 of my friends can actually, you know, DRIVE.
I don't know. This probably all sounds very bitter and bitchy, and probably will cause the few friends who I do have to fucking hate me, but whatever. It does bother me. I just feel like people think I'm too uninteresting to hang out with or something, which feeds my self-hatred and gets translated by my brain into "you're too fucking lame, you don't DESERVE to hang out with people, why would anyone want to?" So I never call people and try to make plans with them myself, because I figure they'd just be pissed to hear from me because they haven't called me because I'm such a stupid boring fat ugly loser (hi, I'm fucking insecure, can you tell?) Which, I suppose, is a double-standard, because who knows, maybe people think (some of) that when -I- don't call -them-. But phones scare me, and looking stupid is a huge phobia of mine, so I can't bring myself to call anyone when I feel like they're just going to think I'm dumb because of it.
Meh. Nobody take this too personally. Tonight is just bad.
Oh... nice. And I wanted to go for a drive because really that's the only way for me to feel better when I'm feeling all fucked-up and lonely and needy, but I got snagged by my father on the way out the door and bitched at for wasting gas and informed that I couldn't drive unless I was actually going somewhere. mehhhh.
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oh
Date: 2004-07-12 05:37 pm (UTC)Love you Kesle!
I think you're getting yourself mixed up with Nathan, though- he's the one we don't really like much and use for rides. ::laughs:: You on th other hand, I do actually want to hang out with! You are my favorite Kelsey!!! ::hug:: hey! I have an idea! I have to ask my mom, but you might enjoy this- we got an invitation in the mail to an auction on (i think) Saturday with original sketches and works by famous artists like T-Latrec, Rembrandt, so many! And other cool stuff, rock star signed guitars and watches and crap and antique furniture, like I forget what period but it included the name Louis. Anyway- Mums going, and I'm going because I figure it'll be fun to just see all of it, you know?
So if I clear it with my mum, you wanna come?
Re: oh
Date: 2004-07-12 05:40 pm (UTC)Re: oh
Date: 2004-07-13 06:24 am (UTC)Sorry, I asked my mom about bringing a friend and she said that she fucking changed her mind and now none of us can go!!! She used the word 'plausible' in her explanation. AAAHHGGH! Man, why can't it ever go right just once when I really want it too! Please don't be mad, I can't do anything about her deciding to be a vaccillating hedgehog....
Re: oh
Date: 2004-07-13 06:24 am (UTC)Re: oh
Date: 2004-07-13 10:31 am (UTC)Re: oh
no subject
Date: 2004-07-12 05:48 pm (UTC)And next time if you really wanna get out, just seriously go "Get your lazy ass up and come over" and I most likely will.
I love you! :-P