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Apr. 9th, 2004 10:22 amSo it occurs to me that I do a lot of pointless event-related babbling in here, and not too much thinking. Which bothers me. It makes me seem shallow, and really I don't think I am so much. I suppose I just do all my thinking in my head, or discuss things with people, but... it's been a few days, and things are collecting, and bleh. 10:26 on a Friday morning seems as good a time to rant as any.
Life is just... gah. I don't know. I've spent the last month and a half at least pretty thoroughly depressed, anyway. Which... it probably doesn't seem like. I'm pretty good at seeming happy. And I'm easily distracted. But I'll go and be social and get all happy and post here, and then within 15 minutes it's back to the same old SHIT. I'm just incapable of staying happy or something. I'm averaging at least one breakdown at day, or I was... this week is the exception, but this week I just feel dead. Numb. So the breakdown-ness isn't happening because I'm just too out of it.
A few friends of mine keep telling me I should get help or go on antidepressants or something, but... blah. I don't want that dependance, because once you're on them, you can't really go off... I don't want to be medicated for the rest of my life, I want to see if I can figure out how to be happy without such, first...
Anyway. Blah. It's my problem to solve, anyway, I just seem completely incapable of doing so. Failure is a terrible thing to be phobic of, bleh. Because to me, to try something and fail is worse than not trying at all. And so I don't WANT to try to change, because what if I don't? I'm a perfectionist as well, my expectations are too high, I'd never live up to my own goals and that would be failure on such a massive level that it's probably turn into a suicide excuse. Meh. No. As much as I want to die, so much of the time, I'm too much of a goddamn wuss to kill myself. And I think too much, I can't turn off that stupid fucking part of my brain that sits there going, "But what about your FUTURE?!" even though I see no reason for the future to suck any less than the present. So whatever.
And I'm lonely -- I'll fucking admit it. L-O-N-E-L-Y. Always on the outside looking in, always ignored. That's kind of my fault too, I guess. I'm fairly self-sufficient, I always have been. I don't *need* social interaction, I don't *need* other people around to live my life. And I think people pick up on that, and just assume I don't want to socialize. It's not the case, anyway. Just because I don't necessarily need social interaction doesn't mean I don't enjoy it. I like my space -- a lot -- but I also like being around people sometimes. And I think usually people are one way or the other moreso than I am, and so they don't know what to do with it... oh, I don't know. That, or I'm so fucking boring and stupid that no one WANTS to be around me.
Yeah. I don't know anymore. Eeevvverryyythinnggg is wrong and there's nothing I can do about it.
Life is just... gah. I don't know. I've spent the last month and a half at least pretty thoroughly depressed, anyway. Which... it probably doesn't seem like. I'm pretty good at seeming happy. And I'm easily distracted. But I'll go and be social and get all happy and post here, and then within 15 minutes it's back to the same old SHIT. I'm just incapable of staying happy or something. I'm averaging at least one breakdown at day, or I was... this week is the exception, but this week I just feel dead. Numb. So the breakdown-ness isn't happening because I'm just too out of it.
A few friends of mine keep telling me I should get help or go on antidepressants or something, but... blah. I don't want that dependance, because once you're on them, you can't really go off... I don't want to be medicated for the rest of my life, I want to see if I can figure out how to be happy without such, first...
Anyway. Blah. It's my problem to solve, anyway, I just seem completely incapable of doing so. Failure is a terrible thing to be phobic of, bleh. Because to me, to try something and fail is worse than not trying at all. And so I don't WANT to try to change, because what if I don't? I'm a perfectionist as well, my expectations are too high, I'd never live up to my own goals and that would be failure on such a massive level that it's probably turn into a suicide excuse. Meh. No. As much as I want to die, so much of the time, I'm too much of a goddamn wuss to kill myself. And I think too much, I can't turn off that stupid fucking part of my brain that sits there going, "But what about your FUTURE?!" even though I see no reason for the future to suck any less than the present. So whatever.
And I'm lonely -- I'll fucking admit it. L-O-N-E-L-Y. Always on the outside looking in, always ignored. That's kind of my fault too, I guess. I'm fairly self-sufficient, I always have been. I don't *need* social interaction, I don't *need* other people around to live my life. And I think people pick up on that, and just assume I don't want to socialize. It's not the case, anyway. Just because I don't necessarily need social interaction doesn't mean I don't enjoy it. I like my space -- a lot -- but I also like being around people sometimes. And I think usually people are one way or the other moreso than I am, and so they don't know what to do with it... oh, I don't know. That, or I'm so fucking boring and stupid that no one WANTS to be around me.
Yeah. I don't know anymore. Eeevvverryyythinnggg is wrong and there's nothing I can do about it.
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