(no subject)

before i got home i'd been planning to talk about how tonight was pretty fun... but now, i can't even BEGIN to describe how much tonight FUCKING SUCKS.


yeah. i totaled my car. and i was at fault.


stupid stupid stupid stupid STUPID. i was tired and not paying attention, and i went to turn onto my street without looking for opposing traffic, and i hit some guy on Glenlord. his car's banged up a bit but it's not so bad, i got it right on a front corner so it's mostly damaged appaearance-wise. my car, my baby... is fucked. entire front end is smashed in, there was oil and transmission fluid all over the road. maybe it would be fixable but it WAS a $900 piece-of-shit car and it's really not worth fixing. and i got a ticket, i don't know how much it's going to be for but i guess that negates all the secretary of state bullshit going on because now i can't GET the license with unrestricted hours. although if i'd had it already and they weren't being fucktarded it wouldn't've been revoked... so yeah, just bleh.


i'm crying so hard i can't even see, i have been since midnight, which was when it happened. i don't think i'll be sleeping tonight, really...


i'm just so mad at myself because it's all my fault for being so fucking STUPID. i just... gah. i can't BELIEVE i fucking did that. and all my parents are saying is "oh, it's just lucky no one was hurt" but it's not lucky, i deserved to get hurt, i wish i was fucking DEAD because i deserve that too.


i need to go to bed but i don't want to. for one thing i'm too freaked out and probably won't be able to sleep anyway, and for another, i don't want to have to wake up. ever. because waking up means remembering what happened and then having to deal with all the aftermath, and i think i'm too weak for that. or rather, i KNOW i'm too weak for that.

(no subject)

blar. so I was going to get a picture of what my car looks like now, but my dad kind of dismantled it before I got a chance. and it may actually be fixable. it looked a lot worse than what the damage actually was. as far as mechanical parts go, the radiator got nailed, and so did some transmission-fluid-cooling-thing. but neither of those are hugely expensive parts. the engine and everything else is fine. the car I hit was about the same size as mine, and I was only going maybe 15 mph, so the frame is mostly okay. there are a few pieces that are fucked, but they're removable and replaceable, only a few bits of the welded-together part of the frame are bent and they're bent minorly enough that my father said he can probably heat them and rebend them. and i need a new bumper/front grille/hood. the headlights are all intact, though, and the body of the car past the bumper isn't damaged at all.


my father actually knows quite a bit about car repair, anyway, so he'd do all the labor himself. basically if we can get parts for $1000 or less, we're going to fix it. because it's not like I'll find a car as reliable as mine was for any less than that. and aside from the radiator stuff and the front bumper and hood, it's perfectly fine, the bumper and the radiator pretty much took all of the impact, everything else was fine... even the battery, which was right up in there by where I hit.


it really surprises me how nice he's being about it, because normally my father is a complete asshole. I didn't think he'd offer to rebuild it, anyway, especially not while taking the attitude of "Well, I always wanted to restore a car, I just had figured it would be a Corvette or a Porsche or something, not a '93 Corolla wagon..." So yeah.


And if not... well, then I go car-hunting again. It sucks, but it's not the end of the world. When I was car shopping last summer, I noticed that almost the instant I saw a car I knew whether it was one I was interested in or not. I pick up different feelings from different cars, it's weird. And when I was going to buy a car last summer, even then there were two others I drove that I would've been fine with. Not quite as great as my car -- the instant I saw mine, I knew I was going to buy it -- but fine enough. Those I didn't buy because of price; one was $2000 and worth maybe half that because of some rust issues, and one was $3200 and worth it but I was leery of spending that much. So I know it would be possible for me to find another car, anyway. But if I can have mine back, I want to...

(no subject)

goddamnit.


just kind of getting progressively more depressed tonight. it's nice out and I'm bored, and I wanted to go for a drive, but then it occurred to me that oh wait, I have no car, which just made me feel so incredibly trapped, which made me want to go for a drive, which made me realize... etc, etc.


I feel like going down to St. Joe except everyone is busy, meh. so instead I was going to just sit online, but during the 5 minutes my mom spent bitching the only person talking to me got offline. DAMMIT.


hm, and the mechanic is here...