(no subject)

as anticipated me being home is good for my father, bad for me. good for him in the not-being-alone sense. bad for me in that the whole thing is suddenly a lot closer to home for me than it is in kalamazoo, but i can't cry because i don't want to upset him more. he probably wants me to but our relationship has been dysfunctional for a long time and between not wanting to make him cry and being emotional around him not being a comfort zone, it doesn't work.

in religion class the other day the professor asked us to consider, "upon what do you build the foundation of your life?" and i started sobbing. it was the first time i'd cried since the day of the funeral.

i've felt sick to my stomach for the last three hours. part of me doesn't know why, but i also wonder if it isn't this.