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numberoneblindgetting bitched at incessantly. AGAIN.
this gets back to an obnoxiously long rant I'll go into because I don't want to sleep.
so basically everyone in the theater department is required to do AT LEAST one internship. and Jon recommended that I take one at the Barn Theater. it's awesome, it'd be good on my resume, it's PAID which is rare for theater internships. and for a while I was really into it. but then I made the mistake of actually thinking about it. and I realised... if I take that internship, I am going to wind up, emotionally speaking, homeless for basically over a year. what I mean is... Kalamazoo is not my home. for some people... school has replaced "home" for them, but it hasn't for me. as much as I hate it in so many ways Stevensville is still my home, my place... being in this area feels right to me, as much as a lot about it annoys me. if I take that internship, well... it starts in May, I wouldn't be able to start until June, I'd already be late so there'd be NO gap... no going home, just moving straight into wherever I find to live Kalamazoo-area. it goes through September, I think. it's 8+ hours a day, 6 days a week, no breaks. and then I would leave for Scotland, and I would be there until January, and then it would be fucking idiotic of me not to do some traveling in Europe... come home for a little bit, maybe, but then back in Kalamazoo for spring quarter. so that's 15 months, and that's if I DON'T do another internship which I probably should, and not factoring in the fact that I'll probably travel spring break so really it's more like 18 months, starting this January..
and I know it's what I should do, I know it's what my advisor and everyone else will tell me to do. but I can't. I FINALLY have friends here. FINALLY. after how many fucking years? i haven't had a social life since I was 14. and maybe it's stupid and selfish and ignorant and childish of me and fuck I'm crying just writing this, but I'm not ready to give that up. I know I know I'm almost 20, I'm going to K College, I'm supposed to be growing up and thinking about my career but goddamnit, I'm not ready to. I don't want to give up these things that I have only now after so many years found, these things that I never DID find in Kalamazoo. these people, this place, they're my home, and I can't just have that for the next month and then say goodbye for a year and a half. I fucking can't and I know that. And I realised that last Sunday. But I just... I hate being a disappointment. and not doing what my school wants me to do, not living up to my stupid fucking supposed "potential", makes me feel like a terrible person. terrible and waste.
either way I'm somehow trapped. trapped on a stupid career-y pathway setting aside the people that I love and being alone again, or trapped as a failure, content in some ways but feeling horrendously guilty in others, trapped here, which spending the evening getting bitched at only helped reinforce.
and so I don't know what I should do. moreover I don't know what I WILL do, once I'm back at K being pressured to take that internship, being told that I'm going down the wrong path if I don't.
this growing up shit is fucking, fucking hard. and I don't think I want to do it quite yet.
this gets back to an obnoxiously long rant I'll go into because I don't want to sleep.
so basically everyone in the theater department is required to do AT LEAST one internship. and Jon recommended that I take one at the Barn Theater. it's awesome, it'd be good on my resume, it's PAID which is rare for theater internships. and for a while I was really into it. but then I made the mistake of actually thinking about it. and I realised... if I take that internship, I am going to wind up, emotionally speaking, homeless for basically over a year. what I mean is... Kalamazoo is not my home. for some people... school has replaced "home" for them, but it hasn't for me. as much as I hate it in so many ways Stevensville is still my home, my place... being in this area feels right to me, as much as a lot about it annoys me. if I take that internship, well... it starts in May, I wouldn't be able to start until June, I'd already be late so there'd be NO gap... no going home, just moving straight into wherever I find to live Kalamazoo-area. it goes through September, I think. it's 8+ hours a day, 6 days a week, no breaks. and then I would leave for Scotland, and I would be there until January, and then it would be fucking idiotic of me not to do some traveling in Europe... come home for a little bit, maybe, but then back in Kalamazoo for spring quarter. so that's 15 months, and that's if I DON'T do another internship which I probably should, and not factoring in the fact that I'll probably travel spring break so really it's more like 18 months, starting this January..
and I know it's what I should do, I know it's what my advisor and everyone else will tell me to do. but I can't. I FINALLY have friends here. FINALLY. after how many fucking years? i haven't had a social life since I was 14. and maybe it's stupid and selfish and ignorant and childish of me and fuck I'm crying just writing this, but I'm not ready to give that up. I know I know I'm almost 20, I'm going to K College, I'm supposed to be growing up and thinking about my career but goddamnit, I'm not ready to. I don't want to give up these things that I have only now after so many years found, these things that I never DID find in Kalamazoo. these people, this place, they're my home, and I can't just have that for the next month and then say goodbye for a year and a half. I fucking can't and I know that. And I realised that last Sunday. But I just... I hate being a disappointment. and not doing what my school wants me to do, not living up to my stupid fucking supposed "potential", makes me feel like a terrible person. terrible and waste.
either way I'm somehow trapped. trapped on a stupid career-y pathway setting aside the people that I love and being alone again, or trapped as a failure, content in some ways but feeling horrendously guilty in others, trapped here, which spending the evening getting bitched at only helped reinforce.
and so I don't know what I should do. moreover I don't know what I WILL do, once I'm back at K being pressured to take that internship, being told that I'm going down the wrong path if I don't.
this growing up shit is fucking, fucking hard. and I don't think I want to do it quite yet.
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no subject
Date: 2006-12-09 07:49 pm (UTC)You are not gonna be a dissapointment. Your family and friends love you, and we're gonna be behind any descision you make. It's your life. You live it how you want to. Not how a fucking college advisor wants you to.
I love you kels!
no subject
Date: 2006-12-09 08:08 pm (UTC)thank you hon. *hugs*