numberoneblind | everything that's going on in my head when I'm only posting about crocheted octopi

getting bitched at incessantly. AGAIN.

this gets back to an obnoxiously long rant I'll go into because I don't want to sleep.

so basically everyone in the theater department is required to do AT LEAST one internship. and Jon recommended that I take one at the Barn Theater. it's awesome, it'd be good on my resume, it's PAID which is rare for theater internships. and for a while I was really into it. but then I made the mistake of actually thinking about it. and I realised... if I take that internship, I am going to wind up, emotionally speaking, homeless for basically over a year. what I mean is... Kalamazoo is not my home. for some people... school has replaced "home" for them, but it hasn't for me. as much as I hate it in so many ways Stevensville is still my home, my place... being in this area feels right to me, as much as a lot about it annoys me. if I take that internship, well... it starts in May, I wouldn't be able to start until June, I'd already be late so there'd be NO gap... no going home, just moving straight into wherever I find to live Kalamazoo-area. it goes through September, I think. it's 8+ hours a day, 6 days a week, no breaks. and then I would leave for Scotland, and I would be there until January, and then it would be fucking idiotic of me not to do some traveling in Europe... come home for a little bit, maybe, but then back in Kalamazoo for spring quarter. so that's 15 months, and that's if I DON'T do another internship which I probably should, and not factoring in the fact that I'll probably travel spring break so really it's more like 18 months, starting this January..

and I know it's what I should do, I know it's what my advisor and everyone else will tell me to do. but I can't. I FINALLY have friends here. FINALLY. after how many fucking years? i haven't had a social life since I was 14. and maybe it's stupid and selfish and ignorant and childish of me and fuck I'm crying just writing this, but I'm not ready to give that up. I know I know I'm almost 20, I'm going to K College, I'm supposed to be growing up and thinking about my career but goddamnit, I'm not ready to. I don't want to give up these things that I have only now after so many years found, these things that I never DID find in Kalamazoo. these people, this place, they're my home, and I can't just have that for the next month and then say goodbye for a year and a half. I fucking can't and I know that. And I realised that last Sunday. But I just... I hate being a disappointment. and not doing what my school wants me to do, not living up to my stupid fucking supposed "potential", makes me feel like a terrible person. terrible and waste.

either way I'm somehow trapped. trapped on a stupid career-y pathway setting aside the people that I love and being alone again, or trapped as a failure, content in some ways but feeling horrendously guilty in others, trapped here, which spending the evening getting bitched at only helped reinforce.

and so I don't know what I should do. moreover I don't know what I WILL do, once I'm back at K being pressured to take that internship, being told that I'm going down the wrong path if I don't.

this growing up shit is fucking, fucking hard. and I don't think I want to do it quite yet.