"it requires an ability to judge distance"

[numberoneblind]

whoargh. need to read. I had all weekend to do this, and instead I did nothing, and now I get to drown in reading.

It's snowing. Pretty but inconvenient.

People are confusing and I'm tired of it. I need resolution... something's gotta give here. I should've learned my lesson by now that keeping my mouth shut because I don't want to awkward up a good friendship only has the side effect of awkwarding things up more, but knowing that doesn't make me any less of a wuss.

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7 weeks. and Christmas is coming on and everything seems a little colder this year. this was always our time of year. I have stuff going on this weekend, hopefully, so Thanksgiving will be my first time home since mid-October. The holiday itself will be fine (other than concerned relatives), it's always been a grandparents thing, but I don't want to have to go in my house. I don't know. it isn't home without her.

it's funny. all the Christmas-y urges I have are ones for up here -- I want to bake Linzertortes with Mouse, I kind of want to rescue my old fake tree from the basement back home and make ornaments and set it up here, I'm not sure yet if that'll be weird for me or not but I do feel like I need to take a lot of Christmas and relocate it here for myself. because settling into a life up here and functionally ignoring Stevensville is mostly why I'm doing so well. most certainly it's denial but I don't feel bad about it. she did the same thing. our annual Christmas party started after Oma died because she wanted to fill the family void with friends.

alyssa leaves sometime in early December which means my options until the 18th will be living alone or going back to a ghost-house. part of why I'm ambivalent about the Christmas tree -- will it make it more or less weird? i'm not good at living alone.

i'm crying for the first time in a few weeks. i hate myself for that. years of being fucked in the head over much less significant things have given me the most impressive powers of repression known to man. i know i'm probably not dealing with this properly, but i don't know where to start. there's no way thinking about it can make it not hurt, so why bother?

Comments

[outlawferret.livejournal.com]

it's okay to cry. i think you're allowed.

also, if you don't want to stay in your house alone while alyssa is gone, why don't you stay at dave's? i'm sure he wouldn't mind.

[numberoneblind.livejournal.com]

I don't feel like it helps, though.

and yeah, I'm pretty much planning on lurking over there a LOT in December, heh.

[outlawferret.livejournal.com]

why not just set up a futon or air mattress over there? at least then you won't be alone while alyssa's gone.

[r-macduff.livejournal.com]

You can come and visit me if you like, or I can try to make a trip downstate to visit you. Hell, you can stay with me anytime you want. Do you like cookies? I've been meaning to bake cookies, but I don't want to eat them all myself, so if you tell me which kind you like then I'll send you some.

[numberoneblind.livejournal.com]

I would be all about some cookies if you want to send some. Not too picky but I am generally anti-nut, pro-chocolate, and pro-peanut butter as ingredients.

Keep me posted on your employment situation -- if I was going to come up, it'd probably work out best for me during the week.