numberoneblind | (no subject)

Current Mood: crappy

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Up until this semester I had never needed a last minute extension.

Up until this semester I had never handed in a paper late.

Up until this semester I had never handed in a paper unfinished.

First time for everything?

Fuck.

I feel like such a failure. Like I should just drop out of K or something. Fuck.

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It's okay to slack off a little right now, despite feeling like you're going against your nature. Later on, you might regret not taking the time now. I do. It's not failure - it's being human.

It wasn't even taking the time, though. The part of my brain that lets me intently focus at the last minute when I need to just... broke.

That's not surprising. I mean, your brain is probably more distracted than it normally is, even if you don't feel that way. The subconscious is a powerful thing, and even if you're trying to power on, business as usual, it might not be with you in that effort. The ability to focus came back for me, over time, but it's easier to manage if you take time to deal with why you're not able to focus. I've been feeling worse than usual lately, so to compensate I sort of schedule 'cry times' where I do things that I know will set me off into an emotional outburst (certain movies, books, photos, etc) and force myself to actually be recklessly emotional rather than repressing all the things I don't want to feel. It sounds ridiculous (and it's easier because I live alone), but it helps me keep my act together. I don't imagine that would work for everyone, but it works for me.

I've been thinking about doing that but the idea of just letting myself cry is so scary. My mother was a musician and one of her CDs has been sitting in my room staring at me for a while now, daaaaring me to play it. I live alone at the moment as well (roommate is home for the holidays), but I'm kind of scared of throwing myself into that and then not knowing how to get out of it and being alone.

I can't say for sure that you'll feel any better, but I felt a lot better after the first time I let myself cry myself pretty much to exhaustion. Remember that if you let yourself do it, you're at least in some control over the situation. You will be able to stop crying and you will be able to go back to coping with things as you have been. The strength that you've used to keep yourself together will not disappear by acknowledging your grief. If anything, you will be stronger if you give yourself a break from being strong, if that makes sense.

As for being alone... I have an aunt that I call when I'm down with Mom stuff. Do you have someone you can call that's a good shoulder to cry on? You're not alone right now. Everyone who knew your mother is grieving. For me, I always felt like I was bothering people if I called them to talk about it, but I figured out after a while that people do want to talk about it, about her, they just need a prompting. And they were scared to talk to me about her because they weren't sure how I would react. Of course, that just made me feel worse... But I'm sure you've realized that nobody knows exactly what to do for a person whose lost someone close to them. If you want help from people you may have to ask for it, and tell them what you need.

I'm not really close to any other family, unfortunately. And I don't even know what I'd talk about, so I haven't been talking to people... it's so insurmountable, you know?

I know. It does get easier once you start talking, but it's really hard to start. You don't have to talk about anything, really. Just say you miss her. Maybe a friend of yours? Friend of your mother? And even if you're not close to your family, they may still be willing to talk.

I beat you to it...I had to ask for an extension last fall semester.
I know it might not make you feel that much better, but if you made it to your senior year without doing ANY of those things...you're far better off than most of the people you go to school with. They've taken their grace period(s), you can have yours now.

I've asked for extensions before, but always way in advance, never 3 times of "oh god just one more day" on one paper.

I hold myself to way higher standards than I hold other people, haha.

Oh, I'm totally with you on the standards part. It took me a while to get over that first extension. But it helped that the professor said she was amazed that there was a student out there who hadn't yet asked for an extension.
My thought had always been, "People who can't handle school ask for extensions and if you can't handle school you're just a slacker!"
But that's not true at all. Life happens, and life doesn't happen according to Professor Smith's syllabus schedule.

In my K career, I:
-withdrew from a whole quarter (mental issues + idiot counselors/doctors)
-dropped three classes due to failing grades
-stayed for an extra quarter and still didn't finish all my credits
-got at least three Ds: one in econ, one in one of my favorite psych classes, and another in chemistry
-took a god-awful terrible class through our local university center last winter just to snag that last missing credit (and it wouldn't have counted but for the mercy of the head of the K psych dept)
-needed lots of psychiatric help freshman and senior year
-walked at graduation in 2007 but officially graduated for real a year later (so the photos lie, but the diploma doesn't)

I don't mean to sound irritated or turn this into a "it sucks to be me" contest, but I'd say you're doing pretty damn well considering your circumstances, which if I went through could very well have been fatal. You're still alive. Your GPA is undoubtedly better than mine. You're going to graduate on time. I know a lot of things must suck right now, but I'm thankful you're not doing any worse. I'd hate to have to put you in the mental hospital to save your life-- I can tell you that the food blows, the doctors are idiots, and the meds taste funny.
You're not a failure at anything except believing in yourself. Hold on. I know you're going to make it.

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